This Path of Radiance seems awfully familiar
by Duo Himura
Summary: Ike and co. are preparing for their annual reunion. But when Ike's friends are afflicted by the Out of Character Effect, will they be forced to take on another quest to save themselves? And what sorts of awful parodies will they take part in on the way?
1. Chapter 1

Author Note: If there is one person who doesn't understand how my own mind works, it's probably me, so I won't bother trying to figure out where this idea came from. Probably just my recent obsession with Fire Emblem, the fact that I feel really attached to Path of Radiance's characters after spending 30-40 hours with them. Also, I've always wanted to do something making fun of bad fanfiction that distort characters horribly for romances that would never actually happen, so I threw that in.

Now, on a serious note, if you're easily offended by sexual joke or references, they're all there mostly for the sake of making fun of the aforementioned Out of Character-ness, but you may want to shy away from this. Much as I hate to turn away anyone who'd actually read my work, I don't want people getting mad or disgusted with me, either. I'm also not entirely sure that this is rated properly... It doesn't really SEEM like it should be considered mature, especially since I'm deliberately avoiding going into detail. I suppose if I'm wrong it'll just be changed or whatever else they do to a fanfiction not rated properly. Otherwise… read away. Oh, but if things seem a little… weird… they'll all make sense in time. Actually, I take that back. If things seem INCREDIBLY bizarre or random, they MIGHT make sense in time, but weirdness is unlikely to be explained, sorry.

Oh, and for those of you not as fond of the sexual humor, it's unlikely that it will appear in later chapters to such an extent, though I probably won't be able to resist doing something like that now and again. Also, reviews are welcome, be they praise or critique, as long as they're not "You suck!" or "AWESOME!" or anything like that. At least one or two sentences, please, or I'm not going to get much, if anything, out of it… Makes me wonder why doesn't have a 20-character limit, since there are rules against spamming…

**Fire Emblem: The Sacred Path that leads to the Blade of Phosphorescence that was Sealed by a Stone**

_When we last left our heroes, they were preparing to make the world a better place. Since that could describe any point in nearly any game, I'll be more specific now. Having vanquished Ass- I mean, Ashnard, the wicked and terrible king of Daein, somehow everything was fixed… including all the people who were like "OMG LAGUZ HATEZZ!" Their excuse was something like 'after living under oppression and seeing that the Laguz helped to liberate them, the Crimeans began to accept their Laguz brethren." The real reason is that the sequel in which this plot hole was dealt with, "Grand Theft Equine: Crimea's Capital," was turned down by the producers. Something about no one wanting to watch the Greil Mercenaries run around town bitchslapping everyone who was prejudiced… that or something about the message that sends our youth. They sorta decided to shove that one in the back closet… and lock the door… and throw in a pair of wolves for good measure. _

_Anyway, Crimea's princess was restored, and evil was defeated, and like any good adventure story, all the supposed friends that built close ties during their mission were all like "Okay, see ya!" and went home, promptly became alcoholics, and never wrote back to each other's emails. Oh, wait… that's what it says DIDN'T happen… right…Okay, so they were all like "We'll see each other again, promise!" and many slumber parties were held, with gender no longer considered a border by people who had grown so close, or perhaps with people who were so much the subject of random fan pairings…Despite his efforts, Sain was denied access to all of these because quote: "You weren't even in this game anyway."_

_We join Princess Crimea and her trusted general/noble/hired mercenary/potential romance interest Ike as Castle Crimea prepares to host the first annual reunion of everyone who 'temped' as a Greil Mercenary during the war. But unbeknownst to them, trouble lurks on the horizon…. trouble the likes of which they've only seen once before, which isn't surprising since this is like a year later and they were almost all teenagers in that game anyway…_

**Chapter 1: Another quest, another $50…**

"Iiiiiiiike! Iiiiiiike!" called a feminine voice in a most un-Princess of Crimea-like manner. Castle Crimea, always a marvel of artistry and a wonder to behold, even when the evil dudes took it over and it all supposedly went to hell only it didn't really because the artists didn't want to draw it AGAIN, was even nicer looking in preparation of the coming event. Nude statues of the mercenaries had been erected (cue groaning) by petition coming from far-off land called "Internet," and were now clothed in great finery, which really offset the marble faces and hands and such, and besides which was sorta a waste of clothes, but the people of Internet had threatened Crimea with war if their demands were not met, so they humored them.

"What is it now, Princess?" asked the blue-haired mercenary, once more garbed in the outfit he wore back in the beginning of the game because the animators were too lazy to draw in his new outfit. Rumor has it he even sacrificed his extra 20 levels of experience because he didn't like the title 'Lord' but those were false allegations put out by his opponent John Ke… Aaaaand that's the wrong script again…

"I need emotional support, so rather than seek it from all my dearest childhood friends, I'm gonna come to you, who I've known for like, two years, okay?" asked Elincia.

Unsure how exactly to respond, Ike's years of listening to Soren talk kicked in automatically, the answer "Yes, that's fine."

Elincia instantly replied "Oh, thank you my lord Ike. You see, I just can't decide whether or not this dress makes me look fat…" She gestured to the yellow and white dress she wore that clashed horribly with her green hair.

Ike was somewhat baffled by this, so he turned to his many conversations with Soren for guidance once again, and replied "No, I think it looks fine." He couldn't quite recall when that had come up in conversation with Soren, only that it had at some point.

"Fine? That'll never do, I should try to look my best for our friends, especially since some of the lords that we conveniently befriended may be coming." Biting back a 'But looking fine IS you looking you best' comment that emerged from a bubble of out of character-ness buried deep within his brain, Ike merely nodded. "Well, what do you think of this one?" Elincia asked, holding up another dress, this one a shade of green that was so close to her hair color they would blend together and give the impression that her hair was several times its length and wrapped around her whole body.

Ike, as always oblivious to fashion (I mean, the guy went BACK to his old outfit…), and still a bit disoriented by the situation, not the princess turning him to support, but rather that it was concerning clothes instead of her natural shyness, was slow to respond. "I-it seems fine but I guess I'd have to see you in it. Are you sure that you don't want to call in Lucia or Mist to help you with this? They know a lot more about this sort of thing."

Elincia apparently didn't hear him, or pretended not to, as her response was to pull the entire dress up over her head (a feet of impressive flexibility, it should be noted) and toss it aside, pulling the other one on with considerably more care, and with a seemingly deliberate slowness.

Ike, rather slow to pick up on several things because of the sheer shock he experienced, completely forgot to turn around and cover his eyes until AFTER the princess had already redressed herself, by which point the act was somewhat superfluous, yet he did so anyway. He also completely forgot to blush, mostly because he had apparently never done so before in his life… or at least, in two years.

Elincia turned back around, her dress swishing as she did so, and her hair matching it so well that it was truly a sight to behold, only as more of a bizarre thing than as a good thing. She studied herself in the mirror for a minute, and Ike took this opportunity to run for his life in case whatever was affecting her turned on him as well. Running through the carpeted hallways, he spotted Soren sitting in a dark corner. Actually, the lamp hanging just overhead was working perfectly well, Soren just had a weird thing that any area he occupied for more than five minutes instantly became dusty, dimly lit, and study-like.

"Soren! Soren!" cried Ike. Soren glanced up from the musty tome that he apparently could make appear and disappear at will with an expression of mild concern on his face.

"What is it, Ike? I'm in the middle of reading one of my random obscure books that, for all anyone knows, could be ancient copies of Playboy." Soren asked in a dry tone, as if he was prepared for a completely false alarm. This was probably related to how Ike once told Soren that they were under attack as a joke only to have Soren run outside in a bath towel with a spellbook to confront the 'attackers.' That was a day no one in the castle would forget, but it led Soren to be a lot more cautious of 'emergencies.'

"El- I mean, Princess Elincia's acting really, really bizarre! She called me in to ask what I thought of her dress, and then she STRIPPED right in front of me and then she asked me about another dress that matched her hair and looked really weird because of it so I ran because I was freaked out and had no idea what to do and I think aliens have taken over Elincia!" Ike cried, somehow managing to do so in one breath using his years of practice bellowing above the usual mercenary banter and drinking, of which the Greil Mercenaries have surprisingly little.

Soren sighed, the book vanishing in a puff of inconsistency as he rose from where he sat, the old leather armchair morphing back into one of those cool-looking royal chairs that all look brand new even though they're antiques. "Ike, I think it's time we had… the talk," he said solemnly.

"Nah, it's cool, I already got that from my dad. And um… frankly… I'm not sure you have a reference point, no offense…" Ike responded.

"What?" asked Soren, "No, not THAT talk you idiot!" Soren sighed again, then continued, "Okay, I guess the best way to explain this is to just start at the beginning. Ike, there comes a time in every adventurer's life when he becomes the victim of what is known as "fanfiction." You see, there are many other worlds out there, and once someone has reached a certain level of fame, like saving the world, for instance, sometimes their name and story can spread to the other worlds. And when that happens, sometimes people, usually crazy little kids with nothing better to do, come up with crazy ideas for what characters should be like that have nothing to do with what they're like in reality. Sorta like the people who commissioned those nude statues of us…"

"Yeah, that was an unpleasant experience…" Ike interjected, shuddering.

"Wait, you actually POSED for yours?" Soren asked, surprised.

"Of course, you mean, you DIDN'T? I thought they wanted to be accurate…" Ike said, seemingly a bit surprised by Soren's response.

Soren mumbled uncertainly for a moment, then spoke up again. "Anyway, unbeknownst to the inhabitants of those worlds, some of these children possess magical powers, Ashera preserve them. So, on rare occasion, you understand, these magical energies, untrained as they are, get released through pure imagination, and find their way back into our world, where they can, sometimes, make things come to pass. It's what's known in wizardry circles as the 'Out of Character Effect.'"

"I see…" replied Ike thoughtfully.

"Right, so you see, there are many other worlds out-" Soren began, before being interrupted once again.

"Um… didn't you just say that?" Ike asked.

"Yes, yes I did. I'm amazed you noticed…" was Soren's response.

"What do you mean?" asked Ike.

"I mean while you've been standing there I've already said that same thing 4 times, which is very nearly a record, only now you've ruined it, so thanks a lot," answered Soren, somewhat annoyed.

"Um… I'm sorry?" Ike said, sounding a bit unsure.

"You should be," came the stern reply from Soren.

"So… you think that Elincia is suffering from Out of Character Syndrome?" asked Ike.

"It's 'the Out of Character Effect,'" corrected Soren. "Though Out of Character Syndrome's not bad… I should submit that to Mages Monthy… Anyway, yes, that is my diagnosis."

"Well, what can I do?" asked Ike, his tone worried.

"Nothing, except be prepared for the worst," answered Soren solemnly. "The stripping bit is just the beginning I'm afraid. She'll get MORE direct, if possible, probably have crazy, nonsensical mood swings, and randomly "fall in love" with everyone in the cast, male or female. Fortunately, you may be just oblivious enough that it doesn't effect you, unless the OOC-effect begins on you too… and then… it will only be a matter of time before all of us become victim to it."

"Even you?" asked Ike, a look of horror on his face.

"Yes… even-" Soren began, cutting himself short as his expression turned to one of offense. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Um… nothing, it's just… you know…" stammered Ike.

"I know… but it's just… sometimes it gets so hard…" Soren began sobbing uncontrollably, then suddenly slapped himself across the face. Looking back up with an expression of horror he cried "Oh gods, now it's started on me!"

"NO! SOREN!" cried Ike, running to his friend's side, a scream tearing from his throat, only to realize he was already right next to him and collapse to the ground in an instant of utter and complete confusion.

"Ike…" Soren said weakly "There's not much time… listen… there's only one potential cure for the OOC effect… it's experimental, but it's the only thing that might be able to save us…"

"What? Just tell me! I'll do anything!" cried Ike, looking deeply into Soren's eyes, which were losing canon-ness as they spoke.

"We have to… go on another quest…" Soren said.

"Another quest? What do you mean?" asked Ike. "How will that help?"

"If we…" here Soren suffered from a brief coughing spasm before he could continue, "if we go to save the world or have another adventure again, those who watch us from other worlds might be entertained by that, and stop making up their own stories… it's the only way…" Soren coughed again, a hacking cough that sent shudders all through his body, which had somewhere along the line fallen to the ground and ended up with Ike leaning over him.

"I'll do it! I'll do anything! I won't let you become OOC, Soren! I'll never let you become OOC!" Ike cried.

"Ike… I have something I need to tell you… before I go…" Soren said, his voice fading, an expression of pain crossing his face as if it was taking everything he had just to speak. "Ike I… I… I'm the one who 'borrowed' your Castle Crimea play set and broke it… I'm sorry…"

"It's… it's okay Soren…" Ike said, not quite sounding convincing. "It's just a material possession after all and…" he started sobbing, when he was suddenly cut short by Soren speaking again, his voice returning more to normal, though it now had a sort of flat, expressionless quality.

"Will you make out with me?" Soren asked as hopefully as he could in such a flat tone of voice.

Ike recoiled like a Pegasus Knight who forgot that the Warrior class can use bows, causing Soren's head, which he had been holding in his hands in the classic "living person talking to dying person" pose, to slam into the ground. "Soren, I'll avenge you!" here he paused in mid-cry to deliver a swift kick to Soren's face as the mage tried to grab his legs. "I swear it!" And with that, he took off down the hallway, leaving Soren to mend his broken nose in solitude.

The carpeted hallways now looked somehow menacing as Ike ran through them, though more likely than not that was the rather well-drawn graffiti of horrid, nameless things that looked like they could reach off the walls and devour a man whole. Combined with the appropriately dim atmospheric lighting, it gave the impression that not even castles were immune from graffiti quite strongly.

Try as he would in later years, Ike was never able to forget the next few moments as he ran past Shinon and Gatrie kissing passionately. He slammed his eyes shut, wishing he could do the same for his ears, as he heard the numerous really bad puns about 'arrows' 'lances' and 'armor.' However, he was too busy using his left hand to prevent his right hand from clawing his own eyes out to cover his ears with them, at about which point he ran headfirst into a pillar, forgetting that he was, in fact, in a CASTLE.

Ike staggered back to his feet, and resumed his mad dash to try and find someone who hadn't been afflicted with OOCness yet, though for all he knew, Gatrie and Shinon were just drunk, which would be perfectly normal for them, but didn't really help his situation any. Ike reached the door that led into the main room where the other Greil Mercenaries were helping to prepare the castle, out of boredom more than anything else, because there were plenty of servants around anyway, in spite of Crimea's whole "freedom and equality" policy. And then all Hell broke loose.

Well, it didn't so much break, as ooze… and it wasn't so much oozing 'loose,' as 'into Ike's brain…'

As Ike threw open the door, he was greeted by the mortifying image of his sister, Mist, twirling her dress above her head, with the only thing saving this fic from becoming M-rated the convenient censors that were likewise conveniently forgotten about with Elincia, (but she was of age, if nothing else) as Rolf looked on eagerly with small amounts of drool dripping from his lips in a most anime-esque fashion. For the reader's sake, I'll not even bring up Titania, Oscar, and Boyd, simply because the sheer number of horrible sexual innuendo puns involved would be a sin in and of itself.

Once he had finished retching and resolved to demonstrate to Rolf just what he could do with those arrows, Ike climbed slowly back to his feet, and calmly closed the door behind him, turned around, and began running like a low-level mage being pursued by a squad of cavalry, complete with the screaming. It also came complete with a blind "getthehellaway, getthehellaway, getthehellaway," mandate that Ike chanted over and over again, his eyes shut as tightly as his mind's eye was forced open by the mental acupuncture pins he was trying to stab the images out with.

However Ike, forgetting once again that he was in a castle, managed to run headfirst, and already screaming to save himself the trouble, through one of the expensive stained-glass windows that no halfway decent castle would be caught conquered by its nation's mortal enemies without. Fortunately for all the Ike fangirls out there, and all the obsessive shippers for Ikexinsert character here regardless of gender or relationship with Ike, it was a first floor 'epensive stained-glass window that no halfway decent castle would be caught conquered by its nation's mortal enemies without.'

And so Ike fell, still screaming, something like 3 feet, shattering priceless artwork, but unharmed himself thanks to the fact that he makes a point of never removing his armor. This leads to some interesting questions, which shall remain unanswered, because, Hell, the guy's like 16 or 17 right now…

As soon as he opened his eyes and climbed to his feet, Ike began fervently wishing that he had been knocked unconscious by the fall and that this was all a bad dream, preferably brought on by an excessive amount of alchohol and teenage hormones, and not a psychological insight into his subconscious mind. For before him, Ike saw the rest of the Greil Mercenaries, or rather, many of them, as some were unable to attend due to the author not really giving a damn about them in the game, and thus not having a clue of how to write them.

We interrupt this fanfiction for an important note. The following scene contains rather ungraphically depicted scenes of what happens when horny teenagers play video games and then go write or draw about it on the Internet. So please, parents, encourage your kids to read ahead so that they won't grow up to be horrible fanfiction authors who stick characters who have no romantic interest in each other into pairings simply because they find the pairing "attractive," "hot," or any other word meaning exactly the same thing.

We now return you to your regularly schelduled fanfiction.

Ilyana and-

We would just like to assure you that there will be no further interruptions. Thank you.

Ilyana and Zihark were… occupied in a manner that would ordinarily lead to a bunch of jokes regarding Zihark being a "Swordmaster" and Ilyana constantly being "hungry," but we really don't need to hear that, right? For the record, anyone who wants to use that concept in a hentai fanfiction/drawing, please DON'T give me credit for it, unless money is involved, in which case whatever you're offering me, double it, and I won't sue.

Lethe had apparently been separated out into humanoid and feline forms, both of which were currently 'involved' with Mordecai, in his separate forms, simply because he was the only Laguz around. There were several… variations involved as well, which are best left without specific information, because I'm fairly certain they're all considered illegal in the United States.

The fact that Wyverns are depicted as being more humanoid than serpent-like, or even really dragon-like (as dragons are usually shown, anyway), certainly didn't help to ease the nightmares to come to Ike, nightmares which, for legal reasons, are best left known only to him. And Jill. Okay, okay, that much I did have to say, but I'll shut up about it now. I mean, just because the thing was-

We break our word in order to interrupt this fanfiction for this important message. What a sick-minded ass this author is. That is all.

Mia and Rhys, who was mounted on horseback, were having a very impressive, high-speed sword duel, and it was to there that Ike turned his eyes, seeking refuge from the other horrid things he had scene. Ike made a mental note to later ask why this sort of swordsmanship was never displayed when they were actually fighting, but for the time settled for grabbing some popped corn and watching the show. However, he had no popped corn, and thusly was forced to look around once more.

Suffice it to say, all desire for popped corn was stripped from Ike's mind, pun intended or unintended, whichever gets me hurt by fewer people, and hurt less overall. Brom and Nephenee were living out an early misconception by the author of this story before he actually saw them say more than 2 lines, which evidently, in fact, constituted adultery for at least one of them. Brom's body set in particular wore it's own special scar into Ike's mind, which was quickly resembling the war veteran he himself was.

Ulki and Janaff were mercifully doing one of those bird dive-spiral-mating things, which I'm sure is breaking a principle of how they work, but don't really care, so Ike was spared everything but what his own mind could imagine. Fortunately, his brain was too overloaded to imagine much of anything. Unfortunately, that meant a lack of distraction to spare him such horrors as-

We are once again breaking our word to spare you the aforementioned horrors. This process is also known as "the author used up all his ideas and then set himself up to list off the remaining ideas, without realizing there were none, and then was forced to pretend to censor it because he's too lazy to rewrite the previous paragraph." That will be all.

After a good five, maybe ten minutes, Ike finally stopped going through spasms, and was able to stand again, albeit with some difficulty. Trying his best to not look directly at any of the nearby… events… Ike slowly made his way back to the castle's main entrance, stopping every minute or so as his stomach decided it had now produced enough acid for Ike to be capable of vomiting again.

Ike somehow managed to make it back inside, having lost a copious amount of body fluid through vomit, but he was too disgusted to notice or care. He collapsed in a heap of "more than you ever wanted to know about your friends"-ness.

"If Ashura truly is a kind and loving goddess," he said wearily, "I'll end up with complete and total amnesia any minute now." After pausing for a minute or so, Ike stood and said, "Yeah, well screw you too!" shaking his fist at the ceiling above, but with the intention that he was shaking his fist at the sky.

Sighing, Ike collapsed once again. "Okay, I've seen most of my closest friends and comrades naked, now what?" he pondered aloud. But before anyone could cry "Now you're a true Hollywood star!" Soren's words came drifting back to Ike, echoing through his mind.

"If we go to save the world or have another adventure again, those who watch us from other worlds might be entertained by that, and stop making up their own stories…" Soren's voice rang out.

"Soren!" cried Ike, turning to see the mage standing behind him, looking rather haggard. "How'd you get your voice to do that?"

"Do you like it?" asked Soren, his voice echoing through the room with the power of that filter they use when people are supposed to be remembering something they've heard.

"Now… when you say 'like,' Soren…" began Ike, before Soren interrupted, his expression changed to one of hopeful expectation.

"Will you-"

"No." answered Ike flatly, not waiting for Soren to finish. He then calmly punched Soren square in the face, sending the frail mage staggering backwards.

Soren clutched at his bleeding nose and pulled a stave from out of nowhere, because honestly, how can someone carry multiple staves at once without the ability to make them spontaneously appear and disappear? Gesturing to Ike with the stave in a manner best not described in detail, Soren quickly mended his nose, and began to climb back to his feet.

Turning his back on the afflicted mage, Ike thought aloud, "But how can we possibly save the world again? It's not like Tellius is an especially warlike continent, that thing with Daein was the first real war in ages. It's not like someone's just going to march up to Castle Crimea, announce that they're an invading army, and attack us."

"Ring the alarm bell! Ring the alarm bell! A giant armed force just totally marched up to Castle Crimea and announced that they're an invading army, and now they're attacking us!" came the cry from the watchman positioned on the castle's wall high above.

Ike received this news more with shock than anything else, not so much at the irony of the situation, as the fact that Soren had both tried to jump at him and not jump at him at the same time, and was now in a rather painful-looking position on the ground, with his legs splayed out beneath him. After handing Soren a vulenary, which somehow not only fixed his legs, but placed him back on his feet, Ike took the obvious course of action.

"Greil Mercenaries, ASSEMBLE!" he bellowed. Ike then ducked as an airborne hand-axe nearly split his skull down the middle. "Holy Hell!" he shouted as the axe's razor-sharp edge missed his face by centimeters. "What the Hell was that?"

"That, was the axe of 'scene change!'" cried a voice from behind him.

"God dammit, Boyd!" Ike shouted, spinning to face the green-haired axe-man. "How many times do I have to tell you to stay OUT of Shinon's booze shelf? Your brain doesn't function that well under the best of circumstances!"

Boyd's only reaction to this was to giggle to himself, then fall forward flat on his face. Ike sighed, covering his eyes with his right hand. He then waited impatiently for the rest of the army to assemble.

In a few short moments, the team was assembled. Rock music began to play in the background, as words scrolled in midair above the character's heads, who looked on with sheer amazement, and more than a little alarm.

_**In a world…**_

_**Where the disturbing fantasies of horny teenagers become a reality…**_

_**One band of mercenaries…**_

**IS BACK!**

_**And this time…**_

_**THEY'RE OOC!**_

Here the character's names appeared, floating in midair before their torsos. As the group continued to stare, baffled, more words appeared and scrolled past.

Ike: The leader, and all-around good guy who's all idealogical and stuff… Where have we seen THIS one before?

Elincia: The princess whose only saving grace is her kickass sword, which NO ONE else can use.

Mist: The annoying little sister, who gains the ability to use a sword despite her previously nonexistent strength score. Also in possession of the power to materialize a horse from nowhere.

Boyd: The axe warrior whose sole purpose in life is to let other people hit him and then be perfectly okay.

Oscar: The knight who can see while his eyes are closed.

Titania: The invincible paladin with a major crush on Ike's father that's completely obvious even though no one seems to pick up on it.

Rolf: The kid brother who's a hopeless crybaby, and is also hopelessly in love with Mist. For the record, he's a much better archer than Shinon.

Shinon: The obligatory leader-hating bishounen. Also drinks a lot. Worth noting that he sucks compared to Rolf, except he can use A-level bows.

Gatrie: The… wait, where is he? Oh, right, he moves about as fast as a car in downtown New York.

Soren: The mage who everyone except Ike hates because he's an asshole, which Ike is apparently in denial of.

Rhys: The healer who's constantly sick. Don't even ask.

Lethe: The hard-hearted catgirl who by all rights should have an obsessive fandom but appears not to.

Mordecai: The cat-man who can't talk.

Ilyana: The female mage who's constantly complaining about something or other… Wears a miniskirt.

Zihark: A myrmidon who you'd think would have a support with one of the Laguz, since they're the ones who convince him to join the army, but DOESN'T!

Mia: A myrmidon who gets totally screwed if she doesn't dodge an incoming attack. Wears bright orange for some reason…

Jill: A wyvern knight from Daein who had to fight against her own people after learning the truth about the Laguz. OMG ANGST!

Marcia: A Pegasus Knight from Begnion whose brother has serious gambling issues, which caused her to leave the knights to go save his ass again. Calls Ike "hon."

Ulki: A hawk-tribe Laguz lacking other description.

Janaff: A hawk-tribe Laguz lacking other description.

Nephenee: A girl who was given a serious southern accent when they translated the game even though she doesn't LOOK like she should have one…

Brom: A fat man who wears heavy black armor. Is usually out of commission due to heat stroke within 5 minutes.

Volke: A thief who charges you to open doors and chests even though there's usually some poor sap with the keys standing right next to the item in question.

The Rest: Currently absent due to lack of interest, whether on their part or the author's.

A few machine gun rounds quickly silenced the several murmurings of "that really wasn't funny enough to take up that much space," that were audible shortly thereafter.

We would like to prove ourselves to be completely hypocritical in order to state that no actual critics were harmed in the making of this fanfiction. For all you know.

"Well, mercenaries," began Ike, looking around at the rag-tag and red-faced group, which those of us in denial can pretend is from embarrassment. "A large invading force is about to attack Castle Crimea. Some of you may not make it through this fight alive. So I want you to know… you are the FINEST bunch of soldiers I could afford to hire on a budget of 10 gold pieces!" There was a short pause while each member of the group tried to come to terms with whether they considered that a complement or an insult.

"So now we must defend that which we fought to create!" he continued, speaking passionately to the assembled group, which had formed into a line for the sole purpose of allowing Ike to pace up and down it. "For our fallen comrades, for this nation we helped rebuild, and most importantly, to prevent a repeat of… THAT… Greil Mercenaries, TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!"

After a brief pause, Soren asked "Transform and roll out?"

"Got tired of saying just 'move out,'" was Ike's response.

"Yeah… but… 'Transform?'" Boyd asked.

"Suits me just fine," commented Janaff from where he was perched, now a magnificent brown hawk of great size. He then busied himself trying his very best to excuse the hungry looks Mordecai was giving him as residual OOCness. For the record, his best ceased to be enough somewhere around the same time Mordecai started drooling.

"Right, well, we can discuss my choice of battle cry some other time," Ike said before anyone else could continue the debate. "Right now the enemy is closing in on us, and we need to prepare ourselves for the battle."

"Let them come!" shouted a voice from somewhere above them. Though a conveniently placed scene-change the group could see a young man garbed in armor with a crown on his head, gazing out at the oncoming army. "Macbeth shall never vanquished be till Birnam Wood come to Dunsinane!" he called aloud, shaking his fist at the assembled masses.

At that very instant, a Treefolk materialized out of nowhere, grabbed Macbeth in one of it's gargantuan, gnarled hands, and promptly bit his head off, before disappearing back into its own dimension, apparently one where rifts in space-time could be opened for the sake of bad jokes, chewing audibly.

Ike noted that stunned silences were becoming a trademark of sorts for the Greil mercenaries, before turning back to his forces. "Okay, then, so as I was saying, what's our battle strategy?"

"Don't you and Soren usually come up with those?" asked Rolf, confused.  
"Yes," replied Ike, "but I thought we'd open it up for free debate this time."

"Oh, okay," said Rolf, nodding in understanding. "In that case, I'd like to suggest-"

"No," interrupted Ike. He then spun around, and pointing in front of him, said "I want you, you, you, you, you, and you, with me. The rest of you," he here used a broad gesture in the direction he was facing, "are to guard the Castle's entrances, while we strike at the enemy head-on."

"Um… Ike…" began Soren, "you were already facing us… you just turned around and pointed at a bunch of tiles and a bust of Elincia's father, which is conveniently censored so as to maintain a healthy sense of mystery about what the guy actually looked like."

"Yes, um… well," began Ike, "the statue might come in handy… Anyway, Soren, Rolf, Mist, Boyd, Zihark, and Marcia will be with me, while the rest of you guard the castle."

"Um… doesn't it make more sense to leave the guarding to the palace guards, and take all of us with you?" Mist asked.

"Ah… my naïve little sister…" Ike began. "That's why I'm the Commander, and you're the annoying tag-along with the power to make a horse spontaneously appear from nowhere."

"Actually, Commander," interjected Titania. "She has a perfectly valid point."

"Surely, not you too, Titania?" asked Ike in surprise. "Okay, fine then, let me explain. You see, it's what we commanders know as the 'strike force effect.' Basically, the fewer, well trained individuals you have with you, the better you fight, and the easier it is."

"What?" cried Boyd. "How does THAT work?"

"It's simple, my friend," replied Ike. "The fewer of you I take with, the fewer enemies we encounter, and the weaker they'll be."

"But, that doesn't seem physically possible…" Rolf commented.

"Hey, it's never failed us before, right?" asked Ike of his companions.

"Well, except that time you KILLED me!" shouted Rolf.

"And me!" added Soren.

"And me!" Rhys cried.

"And me!" Mia threw in.

"And me!" came the cry from Janaff, Marcia, Boyd, and, in fact, many of the others as well.

"Well, that's just your fault for not being paladins," was Titania's reply. The rest of the group's response was to turn on Titania, only to have every single attack deflected by her armor, resulting in a chorus of "chink-ing" sounds.

"Well, you all got better, right?" said Ike, continuing the conversation when the others tired of attempting to actually cause some harm to the red-haired knight. There were some reluctant murmurs of agreement to that, so Ike went on. "So, we stick with what we know. Elincia can direct you in defense of the castle, so let's do this! Greil Mercenaries, have at thee!"

"Have at thee…?" questioned Rhys.

"Not doing it for you either, huh?" Ike asked. "Well, what about 'Greil Mercenaries, GO!' Or maybe 'Greil Mercenaries, Strike Gundam, Ikimasu!' Or maybe…"

The others turned, shaking their heads, and took up their specific positions, leaving Ike to run down his list of battle cries in solitude.

_Closing Note: Sorry if "Ikimasu," is wrong. I meant whatever the Japanese word is that's commonly used by Gundam pilots as they launch, usually translated as "Let's do it!" "Going out!" or simply, "Launching!" though I believe there are a few different words they use regularly._


	2. Chapter 2

_Author Note: Wow, this took a LOT longer than it was supposed too… And I didn't cover as much ground, either. Man, my ideas always end up so stretched out… anyway, I'd planned to update in a week, it's now been almost if not actually 2, so sorry if people were expecting an update sooner than this, I forget if I mentioned it. Next chapter will hopefully be quicker, but it's pretty dependent on other factors, not the least of which being my mood. Ah, well, such is life, I suppose._

_Aside from that… I actually don't have much to say to this one… For the record, the different fonts are supposed to be different "announcer," voices here in the beginning. If ever I discover an easier way to show this, I'll be sure to employ it._

_And I definitely did NOT just go back and change "Messier," to the more accurate "Monsoir," and then the seemingly proper "Monsieur," after reading a review pointing out my mistake, and seeing it spelled (in)correctly in "The Count of Monte Cristo." It was TOTALLY that way from the beginning. Though, for the record, if I HAD done that, I would blame MS Word for not having one of the most commonly used French words in its database, and also the French language itself for being impossible to spell by phonetics._

_No, seriously, I guess Monsieur is the correct spelling as of now, but Monsoir is considered okay too or something… I'm just sticking with Monsieur since Google and MS Word seem to think it's correct…How can there be variations on the spelling if French uses the same characters?_

**Chapter 2: Battle Strategy for Dummies**

Madame, Monsieur, Bonsoir. La-

_We're NOT doing this like Gankutsuou! NO ONE who will read this speaks French, and if they do, they're not going to want to translate it._

D-demo…

_No one actually speaks Japanese either. It's a language invented purely for the purpose of giving people something to translate from, and that's far too much work for THIS. Just let me do it…_

_Last time, on Fire Emblem…_

_All hope seemed lost for our heroes, doomed to be driven insane, or at the very least, reduced to the level of sanity present in the average Hollywood star, by the "Out of Character Effect." When suddenly, a large invading force attacked Castle Crimea, completely bypassing the fortresses created to block oncoming armies, and saving the day in an odd twist of irony. Inherent flaws in Crimean military tactics aside, Ike prepared to lead a daring charge at the enemy, accompanied by only a few close companions, leaving the rest with the task of defending the castle, i.e., running off to hog all the EXP while leaving them to do something unimportant._****

Ike turned to face the assembled group of six, the ones he had selected to join him on his dangerous mission. "You have all been selected for your unique skills… well… actually, Boyd's the only one here we can really call 'unique,' and he hardly counts anyway, but you get the general idea." Ike paced down the line that consisted of Soren, Mist, Boyd, Rolf, Zihark, and Marcia, looking each in the eye, and seeing courage, determination, loyalty, and the defining ends of the wide spectrum of colors that anime characters' eyes are all inexplicably endowed with. Hair colors we won't even touch.

"You've all proven your worth countless… okay… maybe 15… times over," Ike continued. "Some of you have stood around and let the enemy wail on you," he nodded at Boyd, Zihark, and Marcia, "and some of you have cowered behind them doing very little damage yourself but also avoiding being hit," he gestured to Rolf, Mist, and Soren. "And that is the key element of our strategy."

"Um… commander?" asked Zihark, raising his hand uncertainly.

"Yes? You with the recolor of the Swordmaster outfit," Ike answered, pointing at Zihark.

"Um… my ears must be funny, I thought you just said that standing around getting beaten on while some of us hide without doing anything was a key element of our strategy," Zihark said.

"That is what I said," replied Ike patiently.

"Oh…" was all Zihark could think of to say in response.

"Commanding an Army for Dummies… I am going to KILL Bastian…" muttered Soren.

"Any other questions?" asked Ike.

"Um… yes…" Rolf spoke up. "Could we consider a plan that won't require us to call in favors from the Gods in order to come out alive?"

Ike was slow to respond, scratching at his chin where he was hoping to grow a brilliant blue beard one day. He thoughtfully replied "Hm… well, it'd be a first, but I suppose it's worth a shot."

"Does Ike seem a little… off to you?" Rolf asked Mist in a whisper.

"You mean like the fact that he's wearing a zipper on the back of his neck?" Boyd, who was standing next to them, interjected.

"Wait… a zipper?" asked Soren, who had heard Boyd's slightly less-than-quiet whisper.

Sighing, Marcia walked over, grabbed Ike's face, and promptly ripped it off. Or rather, the rubber mask he was wearing over his face, revealing the imposter beneath.

"Mordecai…" the group said in a reprimanding tone, demonstrating the sort of unison that's impossible in actual speech, but quite easy and even more functionally in writing.

"Yes! I really CAN talk! I'm actually a genius! IQ Tests for Dummies says so!" he shouted, holding up a yellow and black book. "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids," he gestured at Mist and Rolf, "and you meddling young adults!" he swept his arm in an arc that included the others.

"Well, that, and the fact that Ike walked in behind you just as you turned around to talk to us," amended Soren.

"Oh…" was Mordecai's only response before turning and running out of the room without another word.

"Um… right…" said Ike as he stepped up to where Mordecai had been standing. "Well, since Mordecai has already covered the 'you're here because of your special talents,' bit… sort of… I'll skip past that and cut right to the chase. I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be Hell out there. But I can't afford to have any of you die!" Ike added dramatically.

Before the others could continue with the usual comment about how they'd be careful and everything, Ike continued. "No, seriously, I can't afford it. I haven't had a job since the end of the war, and funerals are getting bloody expensive. Also, people stopped randomly giving us money for no apparent reason, guess because we lost that whole sympathetic 'Aww… your country's been destroyed' angle…" Ike paused for a second, recalling fonder times when random monarchs threw money at him for being with the princess of a conquered nation. Then, he continued "So, if you die out there, we don't have the money to bury you, and we'll leave you to the crows! And please, I don't think any of us want to be eaten by Naesala… that's borderline cannibalism, so let's try not to die out there, shall we?"

"Yes, sir!" came the unanimous reply from the others.

"Right!" Ike shouted in response. He walked to the castle's main door and, crying aloud, "Greil Mercenaries, I am for you!" threw it open.

There was a slight delay as Ike's choice of words was thoroughly abused, but then the Greil Mercenaries charged through the gate, into the courtyard, which had just been seized by a detachment of the enemy forces.

As the others ran ahead, Ike pulled Rolf back by the shoulder. "Rolf, I need to talk to you for a moment, if you don't mind."

"Um… sure Ike," replied Rolf uncertainly. "But is this really the best time? We're sorta in the middle of a situation here."

"Please, call me 'Commander,'" Ike said. "And this is the perfect time, or rather, would be in any other Fire Emblem game…" he added, guiding Rolf off to the side of the gate. Rolf looked at him, confused for a moment, but Ike seemed to take no notice of this, and continued. "Look, I know you and my sister are… friends, but I'm concerned about the exact nature of your relationship."

"Um… the nature of our relationship?" Rolf asked, puzzled.

"Yes, you see, I'm concerned about a few things," Ike explained. "The first of which is that you're childhood friends, though you still are right in the middle of your childhood, but the idea's still there, and this being like, part anime and all…"

"Um… Commander, I have no Tellian clue what you're talking about…" was Rolf's reply.

"There's also the fact that your hair is GREEN. It's GREEN, man. BRIGHT GREEN. Damned if I'm going to be the uncle of some poor kid with brown-green hair," Ike went on, apparently ignoring Rolf's comment.

"Uncle… um… Commander, are you talking about…" Rolf trailed off, unable to voice the rest of the sentence due to sheer embarrassment and the fact that Ike had yet more to add.

"I realize that you really like my sister, and she really likes you. So I want you to know that it's only after careful consideration that I tell you to stay the Hell away from her," Ike said forcefully.

"Um…. Err…" Rolf stuttered, too stunned to form coherent sentences.

"Rolf, I know you're a pretty bright kid," Ike went on. "So I assume you're bright enough to realize what exactly will happen to you the next time I see you two together." Ike patted the sword at his waist for effect. And the one he wore on the other side. And the two strapped across his back, just to make sure he had all his bases covered for going into combat.

"Um… yes… sir… or uh… I get the…" Rolf tried to talk, but was trembling too much to really be able to speak properly, and apparently was still suffering negative effects from sheer shock.

"Well, I want you to know that I'm glad you're being so cooperative," Ike added cheerfully. "For that, I'll ignore that little display in the kitchen. Now let's go get 'em!" Ike slapped Rolf across the back just hard enough to send him sprawling forward a bit, but not hard enough to really be considered a deliberate attempt to do so. Ike then walked back to the gate and headed out to lead the charge, leaving Rolf to stumble after him, mind apparently still too confounded to perform any sort of complex task.

"Commander?" Soren inquired as Ike walked out of the gate shortly afterwards.

"Sorry," Ike replied. "I had to talk to Rolf about something quick."

"Just before we go into BATTLE?" asked Soren. "This is Path of RADIANCE."

"I realize that…" Ike answered testily. "Just… do your strategy thing. How many are there?"

"There look to be quite a few times our number," answered Soren.

"I demand accurate results!" Ike shouted at the mage, moving his fist as if to pound it on an imaginary table.

"Have you ever tried to COUNT enemy units, Ike?" Soren asked angrily. "They all look exactly the same, and unlike some, less cooperative people," Soren here jabbed a thumb at Marcia, who was apparently talking to her Pegasus and taking relatively little interest in what was going on around her, "I can't fly."

"Fine. Good enough, I suppose. Though I miss the good ol' days when it seemed like we knew every single detail about the enemy forces beforehand," Ike said in a reminiscent tone.

"Um… Commander… we never knew exactly what the enemy had ahead of time…" Soren said, sounding slightly concerned.

"Oh… right…" Ike said quietly. He then reached out and dug his fingers into the point where Soren's neck met his shoulders, causing the mage to drop to the ground instantly.

"Hey, Rolf, what did my brother want?" Mist asked, falling into step next to Rolf as he staggered out of the door. Rolf stared at Mist for a second, his mouth working soundlessly, then started to edge away. "Um… okay…" said Mist as she watched him turn and run off, still not quite steady.

Mist walked over to her brother, who was carefully dragging Soren's body out of the way. "Hey, Ike, what exactly did you say to… is Soren alright?"

"Um… why… yes, he's just fine…" Ike replied slowly.

"Then why is he unconscious and bleeding?" Mist asked, pulling a heal staff from her invisible pocket dimension that enabled her to carry exactly four 'weapons,' and four miscellaneous items for some reason.

"He was… struck by enemy fire. And definitely not knocked unconscious and then pounded on to make him forget something I told him," Ike answered.

"If you… say so…" was Mist's less than confident reply as she tapped Soren on the head with the staff, his wounds closing instantly as a green glow enveloped him.

"Ugh… what happened?" Soren asked, climbing unsteadily to his feet.

"Nothing," Ike said quickly. "You were hit by enemy fire, but, uh… Mist took care of it, so you're fine now. And definitely should not try to remember what you were doing before being hit, because the memory of the pain could cause you to faint again. Yeah… that's it…"

"Um… okay… I'll go… back to planning our strategy…" Soren said, and walked off.

"So, Mist, you wanted to ask me something?" Ike interjected before any further discussion of Soren's injury could take place.

"Right, what did you say to Rolf? He seemed really freaked out," the young girl asked, sounding concerned.

"Mist, I don't think you and Rolf should… see each other anymore," Ike replied.

"But we sorta… LIVE together…" Mist said.

Ike merely stared and blinked for a few seconds, then said calmly, "Please don't phrase it like that…"

"But," Mist continued, "we're like a family, aren't we? The Greil Mercenaries, I mean."

"You're definitely not helping," Ike said, wincing. "Listen, I know you guys really like each other I just… don't like the direction your relationship is headed."

"If this is about that incident in the kitchen, I don't see how you can hold it against-" Mist began, before her brother cut her off.

"It's not about what happened in the kitchen. I just… don't think you two should be… involved," Ike interrupted. "It's a nearly infallible rule that childhood friends hook up in any fictitious setting, after all, and you guys are at least halfway there anyway…"

"So?" asked Mist. "We don't complain about the potential for you to hook up with Elincia or Lethe, and those are about as clichéd as it gets."

"Well, that's different," Ike said nervously.

"It is not!" Mist cried.

"Yes it is," answered Ike. "I'm not available to break up my own relationship because of a cliché."

"But then you're just targeting us because of circumstance! That's not fair!" Mist reasoned, rather loudly.

"Hey, if life were fair, Live Journal would have died out years ago," was Ike's reply.

"Well, that's a valid point I suppose… But still, what's so wrong with Rolf? I mean, you've got dad's hair and I've got mom's, so it's not as though-" Mist began, only to be cut off again.

"Okay, not that I haven't gone there already, but I really don't need to hear about that from you…" Ike interjected before she could fully finish the implication of that statement. "I just don't think he's up to your standards."

"Ike, he's the only male character my own age who anyone CARES about. I don't HAVE any standards!" she cried.

"Well… you've got me there," Ike admitted. "But still, I-"

"Hello?" cried an angry voice off to the right of where Ike and Mist were talking. They turned to see an oddly red-tinted man holding a large axe and looking rather upset. "I've been STANDING here for like, five minutes now! Aren't any of you going to come over and talk to me?"

"Hey, we're sorta in the middle of something here, so you can just wait your-" Ike began.

"I'M the enemy commander!" the man shouted in exasperation.

"Oh…" answered Ike. "Well, then… what do you want?"

"Nothing, really, just stopping in to say 'hi,'" the man replied.

"Oh… well, hi…" was Ike's only response.

"Oh, and to tell you that we, the recently reconstituted army of Daein will KILL YOU ALL!" he roared. "Oh, and I think I'm also supposed to mention that you're insects of some kind and will never leave here alive," the man added.

"All… right…" Ike said uncertainly.

"Now, to the other side of the battlefield!" the man shouted, turning and running all the way back to the outer wall of the courtyard. "Now, my minions, appear from nowhere!" In response to the man's cry, a large force suddenly climbed out from underneath the bushes they had been hiding in at a rate of something like 4 people to a bush, 3 if cavalry or Laguz were involved.

"I have GOT to learn how to do that…" Ike said, gazing enviously at the sudden mass number of henchmen the enemy commander could make spontaneously appear from nowhere.

"The administration of this bush," began a Warrior with a southern drawl, gesturing at several other men who had hopped out of the same bush that he had, "would like to clarify on a few points. We did not actually spontaneously appear from nowhere to attack Castle Crimea for our own selfish reasons. We had very little reason to believe that this castle housed some sort of doomsday weapon that the peaceful nation of Crimea would turn against us, but our selective hearing made it seem much more likely. So, to that end-" The man's words were cut short as a ballista bolt slammed through his chest, killing him instantly, or as close to instantly as makes little difference to anyone else.

"Right, men, as your new commander," said a dark-robed man as he stepped over the body of his fallen comrade. "I'm saying let's get the Hell out of here."

"But weren't you the one giving us orders anyway?" questioned one of the nearby men, apparently an archer.

"Shut up," the robed man shot back, before jumping back into the bush, where he was shortly followed by the others.

_We interrupt this fanfiction for this special announcement from its author: I am Duo Himura, and I approve this message. "Please don't kill me."_

"Nice shot, Rolf," Boyd said, watching his younger brother step down from the ballista's wooden platform.

"Thanks," replied Rolf, apparently somewhat calmer, either due to denial or acceptance, passively watching the yellow meter beneath him fill up about halfway without really seeing it, probably a fortunate thing since he was already questioning the soundness of his mental state.

"Um… okay…" said the enemy general, who was standing looking rather stunned. "Well then… attack, my minions!"

"Greil Mercenaries! Believe in a sign of Zeta! Beyond the hard times from now!" Ike shouted in response.

"Now you're just getting silly…" commented Zihark, dispatching a charging, red-tinted swordsman with a deft thrust, his eyes still focused on his commander.

"Oh, whatever…" was Ike's response, clotheslining an unfortunate, oncoming soldier. "Everyone just go try not to get killed."

"Right!" came the unanimous cry from the others.

We interrupt this fanfiction for this important message: The ensuing battle has been deemed too cool to be written down. It will, therefore, be animated through the cutting edge technology of "Imagine-O-Vision." Just sit there for a few minutes and PRETEND you're seeing the actual battle, and through the wonders of "Imagine-O-Vision" you'll see mental images of the battle taking place right before your very eyes! Or… the part of your brain that allows you to see mental images… since you won't really be 'seeing,' them per se…

We interrupt this interruption of this fanfiction to bring you this significantly more important message: The people responsible for deciding that the ensuing battle was too cool to be written down, along with the designers of "Imagine-O-Vision," all tragically died in a car crash. This is believed to be the direct result of racing cars with gas tanks that give off an explosion equivalent to that of a 10 mega-ton bomb if they crash through the midst of a city. Yeah, we're looking at YOU Captain Falcon…

We interrupt this interruption of the important message interrupting this fanfiction to bring you this important side note: This joke is getting really old. Also, in a further update of the events leading to the tragic demise of the people responsible for the censoring of the aforementioned battle and "Imagine-O-Vision," one of them had actually only had his legs vaporized, and was pulling himself free of the burning wreckage when he was set upon by a pack of lawyers furious with the company's failure to report the risks of prolonged use of imagination to the Neo Food and Drug Association. For those who have used "Imagine-O-Vision," prolonged use can lead to "fun," "lack of interest in boring TV programs," and even "originality." The permanency of such side effects are currently under investigation, and in the meantime, its recommended that "Imagine-O-Vision," not be used by senior citizens, professional depressers, politicians, Hollywood stars, or especially, children. The single survivor has not been found, and at this point, some 15 minutes after the crash, authorities have almost given up hope, saying "Does anyone really care?" and "Bout time."

Marcia swooped down on her Pegasus, which apparently was never named within earshot of the author, dropping neatly in front of an enemy soldier and stabbing him in the right side of his ribcage with her lance. She then applied an additional thrust to the other side of his chest, to ensure that his body would remain semi-symmetrical, as is most commonly the case with humans.

The soldier slumped to the ground, murmuring something along the lines of "Thus, with a fatal thrust to both lungs, I die…"

Nailing an oncoming Myrmidon in the leg with a Javelin, Marcia took to the skies again on the back of her brilliant white steed, its wings beating the air furiously despite regular reassurances that Pegasi actually 'kick the air,' and use their wings mostly just for gliding.

She flew over the courtyard, which somehow was entirely intact despite the destruction one would expect from combat involving magic and siege weapons. Marcia narrowly avoided a volley of arrows from enemy archers, who seemed capable of firing more than 10 feet in front of them only when flying creatures were involved, and holding on notably better than a certain purple haired Pegasus Knight we could mention, but who shall remain ((coughFlorinacough)) nameless.

She flew down to where the others were holding off the enemy assault at a vital pass, too narrow for more than one or two to move through at a time, determined as they seemed to not just simply cut through the hedges on either side or jump the 6-inch-high barriers between the path and the grass. The pink-haired knight steered her mount to the ground, landing gracefully, then taking off again with equal grace to land directly in front of a soldier trying to sneak around the mercenaries' flank, and impaled him with another javelin she pulled from the trans-dimensional hip-pack she always wore.

"You know," commented Ike as he fell back from the fray, allowing the others to hold off the enemy for a moment by themselves, "I've always been curious as to exactly why you take off, then land right in front of the enemy. Isn't a charging attack supposed to use… momentum?"

"Well, it looks really cool to swoop down on people…" Marcia answered uncertainly. "And for some reason my Pegasus refuses to do fly-by strikes unless I'm twirling a lance over my head."

"That's… different…" Soren, who neither had noticed until that moment, interjected.

"Yah!" Ike and Marcia cried in surprise.

"Don't DO that…" Ike said.

"Doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo doo-doo doo doo-doo/ You won't see me coming…" Soren began to sing before Ike, Marcia, and the Pegasus all slapped him across the face. Well, the Pegasus did more of a skull-crushing-slamming-hoof-down-on-top-of-his-head kinda thing, but the intent was the same.

As the group called Mist over to recover the mage from his second severe concussion of the day, Ike asked "So, what we were talking about again?"

"Something about Pegasus-related fighting techniques, I believe," commented Zihark from where he had been watching, just off-screen.

"Yah!" screamed Ike, Marcia, the Pegasus, and Mist, while Soren made more of a gurgling, bleeding sound.

"Don't DO that!" cried the group together, as Soren continued to make that odd, bleeding sound.

"You won't see me coming…" Zihark began, before the others interjected.

"We just did that joke…" they said in exasperation. Soren's bleeding sound, it's worth noting, was becoming significantly less noticeable by this point.

"Really?" asked Zihark.

"Yeah," commented Boyd as he strode up to the group, who at this point were past being surprised by the sudden arrivals and just sort of glared at him. Soren couldn't really glare in his present condition, but his eyes are sorta stuck like that anyway, so it worked.

"Wait…" began Ike slowly, "if you're all here, then the only one guarding against the enemy is…"

"Rolf!" they all cried in unison, with varying degrees of enthusiasm. Soren made a noise something like the world 'Rolf,' as well, due to the fact that Mist just dropped his head, which she had been cradling in one arm as she tried to heal him, onto the stone path in surprise.

"Sorry, guys, did you want something?" asked Rolf as he walked up. "I was just off typing up a Live Journal entry about how unfair life is…"

"Is there any other kind of Live Journal-" began Zihark.

"Rolf! What were you doing angsting at a time like this! We're in the midst of a battle! This is Path of Radiance!" cried Boyd, cutting the swordsman off.

"And more importantly," Ike continued, "if you were off writing a depressing Live Journal entry, and we were all over here, then why haven't we been overrun yet?"

Meanwhile, on the far side of the battlefield, the enemy commander frowned as he watched the enemy defenses walk off and seemingly abandon their posts one by one. "Damn… our intelligence didn't say that the enemy was so cunning!"

"Cunning… but sir, they just completely abandoned the best defensive position they could even hope for as long as we're deliberately not jumping the 6-inch barriers between the grass and the paths or cutting through the hedges," commented a nearby lance-wielding soldier.

"Yes, that's exactly the point. Those clever devils…" the man responded.

"But… that's a horrible strategic move," the other soldier said, sounding slightly shocked. "We can just charge in and overrun them now."

"No, no, that's exactly what they're expecting, nay, planning on," the red-tinted leader explained.

"How could they be planning on us charging through with our full numbers and killing them all in one fell swoop?" asked the soldier, somewhat exasperated by this point.

"This is exactly why I'm our tactician," was the commander's reply. "You see, the only time an enemy would ever make such a foolish move as to withdraw their forces from an easily defensible position to a far inferior one is if they had some sort of diabolical plan in mind."

"But we watched them leave… they didn't rig up any traps or anything!" cried the other soldier, face now red enough to match his armor.

"That we didn't see them do it only means that their plan must be that much more brilliant…" the commander mused.

The other soldier let out a cry of frustration that fell somewhere in between 5 or 6 different expletives and walked off, hoping to find someone who had forgotten to wear the Daein crest on his armor so he could get away with stabbing them to death.

"There's only one explanation," Ike explained to the others, who were now huddled around him in a circle. "The only way that the enemy wouldn't take advantage of such a blatant and obvious hole in our defenses is if they were concocting some sort of sinister plan, maybe rigging up some sort of trap…"

"There is only one option…" both Ike and the enemy commander said at the same time, thanks to one of those convenient split-screen effects that make such a nigh impossible event easy to describe, "we must wait for them to wear down, and carelessly trigger their own trap!"

((Cue "The Promised Meeting" (from Gundam SEED OST 1)))

The Greil Mercenaries are locked in a deadly stalemate. But when the dust clears, who will be the first one to cave? The mercenaries? The enemy soldiers? Castle Crimea itself? It's a staring match on a scale the world has never seen. Jikai, Kidou Senshi This Path of Radiance Seems Awfully Familiar: Didn't we do this last time? Be sure to move before rigor mortis sets in, Gunda- uh… Greil Mercenaries!

_Ending Note: Um… pretty much just some rough translations and explanations._

_The ending there is a parody on how Gundam SEED does next episode previews. I'm thinking of doing a series of these using the previews from various different anime. The title for the next chapter I've got there is tentative, I'm usually not so great with titles, so I need some time to think it over for that one._

Jikai:_ Not sure if it's spelled right, but it means something like "next," usually translated as "next," or "next time."_

Kidou Senshi:_ Literally something like "Mobile Warrior," this is the prefix used for Gundam. It somehow ended up as "Mobile Suit," in English, and the term "Mobile Suit," is still used in Japanese to refer to the mechs, or at least, it is sometimes. Kidou Senshi seems to only be used in reference to the series, I've never heard it used within any of the shows themselves. I just attribute it to Japanese being a really odd language and move on, most of the time._

Madame, Monsieur, Bonsoir:_ This is French, meaning, "Ladies and Gentlemen, goodnight," or at least, that's its English equivalent. This is used at the recaps in the beginning of the anime Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo, and the rest of the preview is done in French as well (well, the story does take place in Paris, mostly.). There's actually a reason for that, but mostly it just sounds cool._

Demo:_ Unless I'm mistaken, it's "but," in Japanese. That's how it seems to be translated, most of the time, anyway, so I assume it's used similarly, if it's not a direct translation._

Believe in a sign of Zeta! Beyond the hard times from now:_ This may not be completely accurate, but it's intended to be a lyric from the first opening of Zeta Gundam (the song translates to something like Zeta- Transcending the Times, I don't know the Japanese…). It's a commonly mocked line, though usually in a fanboy-admiration sorta way, ie "Do YOU believe in a sign of Zeta?"_

You won't see me coming: _The name of the ending theme for Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo. It's also one of the lyrics "You won't see me coming…/ You won't see me coming…/ 'Till I strike!" There's an instrumental bit in there, which is what Soren was imitating with the "doo"s._

References to conversations in the midst of battle:_ Path of Radiance was the first Fire Emblem to feature a "Base Screen" that included support conversations, or conversations between characters that lead to a building level of trust between them. They include romances, overcoming grudges and prejudice, and all sorts of cool character interaction. They're still obtained by placing units next to each other for a certain number of turns, as in previous games, but in the previous games the conversations took place in the midst of the battlefield. This also allowed the system to be abused much easier, by just waiting on a level where you didn't have to kill the boss right away and raising support levels. _

**_Edit:_**_ Actually, in PoR supports are apparently triggered just by having characters in the same level together. I'd heard about this from a friend, but seen nothing that proved it one way or the other. Having someone else proceed to point it out, however, suggests that it's probably the case, so thanks to R Amethyst for pointing that out, and also the problem with Messier instead of Monsieur, though Monsoir was the spelling she (sorry if that's an incorrect assumption…) suggested. If anyone can explain why Google and MS Word have Monsieur while The Count of Monte Cristo uses Monsoir, I'd appreciate it… especially considering that French uses the exact same letters as English (with a few differences, if I recall anything from the 2 weeks of French I had in that 'try all the languages we offer,' thing for school…)_


	3. Chapter 3

_Author note: Wow, that took an incredibly long time…But it's here! The long awaited (?) next installment of "This Path of Radiance Seems Awfully Familiar." See the end of this note for an explanation, I want to leave this next part towards the front of the author note._

_And so, NOW I remember why I didn't take French class… I swear, whoever invented the French language must have been a very cruel human being… Then again, English probably is just as bad if it's not your native tongue… I suppose I can't really say "GOD this is such a screwed-up language!" in the screwed up language that's BASED off of the aforementioned screwed-up language. Well, technically English is Germanic, but a lot of its words come from Latin through French, probably all of those ones with the bizarre spellings and silent letters…_

Sweeping generalizations aside, here's the third chapter. It is, as you may have noticed, rather late. There's a long story behind that, the abridged version is that I've gone through various stages of being busy, sick, unmotivated, and incredibly stressed over the past few weeks, and as a result, this got dropped for a while. However, I'm now on vacation, so I was able to finish this up, and finally update. Sorry it took so long, but at least now I can say with some degree of confidence that the next will be up quicker than this one was. Trust me, you wouldn't have wanted to see it prior to this anyway… as it was I rewrote it almost from the beginning of the story itself (got some opening entertainment coming first) because what I put there just wasn't that funny. Of course, whether this is at all an improvement is subjective, but I think it is, and I think it's important to be satisfied with any work you do. Philosophy aside (seriously, where did THAT come from?), enjoy, and I'll see you next chapter.

P.S. Alexander Dumas gets x1000 bonus points for making the Count a total badass in spite of the fact that The Count of Monte Cristo was written in the 1800s.

**Chapter 3: The Mad and Furious Prisone… er… Commander**

**Aka: Exhibit A How the English language can make things very redundant**

Due to numerous requests (current tally is at one-half of a request), this installment of "This Path of Radiance Seems Awfully Familiar" will feature an opening theme written by Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo's own Jean Jacques Burnel. Additionally, following in the nature of the Rurouni Kenshin Songs series of CDs, this theme will feature the vocals of the actual characters. Instrumental-only versions will be released at a later date for those who can actually understand the English language and wish to preserve their sanity. For simplicity's sake, the following is presented in script format.

Note: The following is a parody of Jean Jacques Burnel's song "We Were Lovers," the opening theme of Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo. Nice music. Horrible singing. And the lyrics are pretty bad too. I recommend sitting through it (the TV-size version) at least once to get the gist of the song, if you're able to do so. Random endorsement Also, the series is definitely worth checking out. /random endorsement

Note, take 2: All singing parts are italicized. Normal font indicates that characters are talking rather than singing (for all intents and purposes, the music has stopped for a few seconds).

Ike: _So tonight I'll sing a song to all my hired help…_

_Also to those who aren't on the payroll…_

Mist: _To those I know, and those who I adore ((coughRolfcough))…_

_And I'd like to talk to once more ((coughRolfcough))_

_I just wish that Ike would let me TALK to you…_

Boyd: _Here's where we'd usually have a metaphor…_

Soren: _But we couldn't afford it so we don't anymore…_

Rhys: _Though we live in a castle we're so very poor…_

Rolf: _Now we're metaphorless…_

Lethe: _Now we're metaphorless…_

Zihark: _Here come the plot spoilers…_

Marcia: _Though everyone's read the book…_

Soren: Played the game.

Marcia: Whatever.

Mordecai: _And then we all were screwed…_

Bastian: _In moooore ways than one…_

Lucia: ((Decapitates Bastian))

Ike: _Harsh words were said, but at least they weren't expletives instead…_

_I didn't ever mean to make you cry…_

Mist: Yes you did! You even said, "If life were fair, Live Journal would have gone out of business years ago."

Ike: Hey, I didn't write this.

Jean Jacques Burnel: (In a heavy French accent) But I did!

Japanese fans: Yay! English!

People who understand English: What in HELL was THAT?

((Cue "Prologue" from Gankutsuou's OST))

My friend met a young soul, which was pure and innocent. Was. This was back before chapter 1, you see… Anyway, my friend was all like "((walk in slow motion))" and the young soul dude was all like "((stare in amazement completely forgetting to do what he came up to the landing platform to do))" and I was all like "Man, this soul may be TOO pure…" And my friend was all like "But wasn't the point to betray him?" and I was all like "Well, yeah, but you, and more importantly, the entire audience, may not want to see it by that point in the story." So everyone was all like "Screw this, man, you're parodying the recap of the second episode of an anime that no one's even seen. Just because they got an almost illegally large animation budget and based their story on a novel that is considered a timeless classic doesn't justify THIS much obsession," and thusly, this mock recap ended.

Ike watched in shock as another of his troops fell. Tears began to fill his eyes, and a familiar death theme started playing as he watched the brave soldier fade out of existence. A scream tore from his throat.

"Ike… are you alright?" asked Soren, sounding concerned. "It's just chess…"

"Yeah, I know," replied Ike, wiping his face as Soren deftly maneuvered his rook to where Ike's unfortunate queen had been. "Force of habit, I guess… Though the music certainly didn't help. Where IS that music coming from anyway?"

"That'd be the Crimean Royal Orchestra…" said Soren, jabbing his thumb at the gazebo-like stage where the assorted group sat, instruments poised to play.

"How long has THAT been there?" asked Ike, stunned.

Soren sighed heavily, then replied "Don't you remember? They marched around with us all through the war, to improve morale."

"Well, yeah, but we were on the march then… you don't sit around playing music while you're under attack!" Ike cried, still struggling with the logic, or lack thereof, of the situation.

"Well, though I'm usually the one to question the admittedly bizarre and sometimes completely outrageous logic of those in charge around here, I'm going to step down from that role for once and say, what's the worst that could happen?" Soren replied long-windedly, adding a shrug for effect.

"Well, for one, they could die…" Ike stated matter-of-factly. "And they could provide an opening for enemy attack-" Ike was cut off as a thunderous explosion rocked the ground, sending the lower-weight members of the mercenary group tumbling to their knees.

"What was THAT?" Ike shouted when the noise had died down. Looking in the direction where the blast had seemingly originated from, the ruins of the gazebo-like structure that had housed the orchestra remained, fragments of what was formerly the ceiling scattered across the stone floor of the structure amidst smoke and leaping flames, which persisted despite the fact that they probably would have been smothered by the collapsing roof, if only because they added to the effect. The pillars that had once supported the roof were in various stages of being blown to pieces ranging from 'Well, that's gonna take a helluva lot of glue…' to 'Oh (expletive), someone call us a mason…'

"I say…" commented the conductor of the group, distinguished by his coattails, which, unlike the rest of his lower body, had somehow avoided being crushed by the slab of stone that now lay across him, "we do appear to be on fire." He waved his arm, immersed in red flame, to emphasize the point.

"Indeed," spoke up a violinist who was close enough to have been nearly crushed by the same slab of stone. Though only his head and one arm were visible above the rubble, rather much of that area was, as the conductor had pointed out, on fire. "Well, it has been a most excellent time, gentlemen. In fact, I daresay that playing with you has been the greatest pleasure of my life."

"Okay, you need to get a life, seriously," the pianist interjected from somewhere between three large chunks of stone, which had apparently crushed everything but those organs that would kill him quickly, leaving those parts to the logic-defying fire.

"It's a tad late for that, I'm afraid," a nearby trumpeter who had a series of nasty gashes all across his body, but was otherwise unharmed. If you excluded the fact that he was missing at least two legs and one arm. The term 'at least' is here applied as we do not like to make assumptions about the number of limbs one possesses unless that person chooses to divulge that information themselves. He was also on fire, much like the others.

"Well, you've got me there," admitted the pianist with what one can only assume would have been a shrug if either of his shoulders weren't pulverized into dust.

"Oh, I am slain!" cried aloud a voice from somewhere beneath the rubble in the general vicinity of the cellist section of the orchestra.

"Oh, be quiet, would you Larry!" shouted the violinist to his fellow performer. "That man is such a drama queen."

"Say, weren't we supposed to get on with some sort of screaming in pain?" asked the conductor. "I had so looked forward to that, never had a chance to conduct a figurative chorus of the damned, you know."

"Ah, we missed our cue. Sorry, old chap," the trumpeter answered.

"Alas. Well, nothing for it but to die, then," the conductor resolved. "Gentlemen," he said in a dismissing tone, by way of farewell, then fell silent.

"What exactly just happened?" asked a stunned and bewildered Ike of his stern companion.

"I… don't know…" Soren answered. "And as resident and duly elected Know-it-All of the Greil Mercenaries, I can't help but think I've failed in my duties…"

"Would you STOP wasting our Meteor spells!" shouted the commander of the enemy forces at a nearby sage, who, out of boredom, decided to throw a Meteor at an odd gazebo-like structure that, for some reason, no one had noticed before.

"But we've been sitting here for hours," whined the sage in a rather high-pitched voice for a man of twenty-something years. "I mean, if you look through that telescope I had time to invent, you can see Ike and Soren playing _chess_."

"Wow, we must have been have been here longer than I thought…" was the commander's reply. "Who's winning?"

"I don't know who's winning!" cried the sage. "I may be bored, but I'm not bored enough to _watch_ a game of chess!"

"Well, fine then," answered the commander. "Some help you are."

Meanwhile, back at the clearing where the Greil Mercenaries were camped, Soren was occupied trying to calculate whether it was physically possible for Ike to have lost as badly as he did. Ike, however, was busy brooding about the sudden discovery then loss of the gazebo, which would have provided some shade, when Mist approached him.

"Hey, Ike!" Mist called out, breaking into her brother's state of mental gloom.

"No," Ike replied sternly.

"But I haven't even-" Mist began, before being interrupted again.

"No," Ike maintained.

"Just listen! I think I know how we can get out of this situation!" Mist called out. "But you have to-"

"I'm not going back on my decision," Ike interrupted in a stern tone. "A commander must never waver, even when he's absolutely wrong. Then he must be steadfast in his wrong-ness, and, in doing so, make a bigger mess of things. I refuse to be bought by the possibility of saving all of our lives."

"Kinda makes you wonder who else has been taking notes from that book, doesn't it?" asked Boyd, who was doing a rather poor job of hiding the hedge behind them.

"Go randomly interject yourself into someone else's conversation!" Ike shouted at the fighter. Boyd muttered something about what was the world coming to when people were frowned upon for randomly joining into a conversation that had nothing to do with them and waked off.

"Aww…. Come on, Ike," Mist pleaded. "I know you're just as tired of this as everyone else, and we can end it in just a few minutes if you'd just listen to what-"

"Listen, Mist, this isn't going to work on me. You can beg and plead till… um… something that won't be happening soon happens, but I will remain steadfast. I have far more patience than you."

"Hey, Ike!" Soren cried from the other side of the clearing, where he and Ike had been playing a few minutes earlier. "I'm done calculating how it's possible for you to have lost that badly. Do you want to play another game?"

"Okay, tell me," Ike relented. "We'll see about your terms later, IF this works."

"Okay, just watch," Mist ordered her brother. She took a deep breath, then screamed in a rather unrealistic manner, rather like hearing a dubbed anime character's voice actor try to mimic the admittedly bizarre way the Japanese seem to scream. At that moment, Rolf, who was busy drafting a LiveJournal entry in the dirt a short distance away, twitched slightly. His head snapped to the side, to the scream's origin. It is, at this point, worth noting that his eyes were actually putting off pale green light. They were also very angry looking.

"WHO?" he demanded in a deep booming voice. By which I do not mean 'deep and booming' as it would apply to a kid. We're talking Darth Vader-class deep and booming here. A bewildered Ike blinked a few times, then, in unison with his slightly startled sister, pointed in the general direction of the enemy forces. Rolf let out a roar that would have impressed King Caineghis, his skin turned pale green, and his eyes and hair… stayed exactly the same, but would have turned green if they weren't that color anyway. Suddenly his muscles all expanded to several times their normal size in a process that most doctors will tell you is both impossible and unhealthy if it were possible, shredding his… shirt-like… thing… Due to the fact that he would now strongly resemble a green dwarf, let's just say he suddenly got to be like, six or seven feet tall as well.

"Hey, I didn't know Rolf could do that!" Boyd said in amazement, poking his head back through the hedge to stare at his younger brother's transformation.

"I didn't slip him anime-grade 'super strength when the person you love is in danger' juice!" Mist denied quickly. "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

Boyd blinked a few times, then said "Um… good for you?" Ike merely stared after Rolf's gargantuan form in bewilderment as he began stomping off in the direction of the enemy commander, his feet leaving large dents in the stone beneath them.

"Commander!" cried the sage we had met previously casting Meteor at random gazebo-like structures. He ran up to his leader, who was currently staring intently at something in the distance. "Uh… commander?" he asked, the other man's face showing no sign of hearing him.

The commander of the enemy forces was, in fact, trying to burn a hole through the wall that enclosed the area where the battle was taking place. Thus far he had been unable to damage anything through the use of either heat vision or psychic powers, though he had unnerved some people. He felt as though he was on the verge a breakthrough in that department, however, at that very moment, someone shouted into his ear "COMMANDER!" and broke his concentration.

"Huh?" he asked confusedly, suddenly startled out of his personal world by an incredibly loud shout. Turning to face the sage, he said "Oh, hey, nice… cone-shaped thing."

"THANK YOU, SIR," the sage spoke into the device, which magnified his voice to the point where all I can do to describe it is to use all capital letters. "I CALL IT A MEGAPHONE, SIR. IT'S SOMETHING ELSE I HAD TIME TO INVENT WHILE WE WERE WAITING."

Wincing, the commander asked, "Um… could you not use that?"

"Oh, right, sorry," the sage apologized as he lowered the device.

"So what's so important that you had to interrupt my attempt to violate the laws of physics?" the commander asked.

"Well, you see sir… our forces are being completely overrun," answered the sage slowly.

"What? So they've come out of hiding, have they?" the commander asked.

"Um… no… just one of them…" the other said, sounding rather insecure.

"How could ONE of them overrun our whole army?" the commander asked incredulously. "Oh, wait, is it the Pegasus Knight? Because those things, man, you just don't want to go anywhere near a Pegasus-"

"Um… it's… their archer…" the sage interrupted meekly.

"The ARCHER?" he shouted. "You mean, that little kid with the physics defying hair? HE'S overrunning our whole army?"

"Actually… overran would be more appropriate…" the sage, now rather demoralized, said. "In fact… he's right there…" he jabbed his thumb behind him, where the gigantic creature that Rolf had spontaneously transformed into was now looming menacingly, a special ability reserved for such bringers of doom.

"Since when can he turn into an 8-foot-tall wall of muscle?" cried the commander in shock.

"Apparently since now…" the sage answered.

"That was a rhetorical question," the commander said to his companion.

"I know, I'm just an ass," he explained with a shrug.

"I hope he kills you first," the commander shot back.

"Well, I hope he kills you first, too," came the sage's reply, before a convenient scene-shift ended their banter and prevented me from having to write a fight scene into this.

Ike gazed out over the destruction that Rolf had left in his wake in amazement. Various red-colored bodies were scattered everywhere… well, they had been scattered everywhere, but for some reason they all mysteriously vanished. Rolf, in his enraged state had ripped straight through the hedges that everyone else had just accepted as a barrier, and left a path of destruction in a line that lead straight to the enemy commander.

Ike blinked in complete amazement, pretty much as he had been doing all throughout the spectacle of watching Rolf maim, kill, shred, destroy, massacre, and any other words that you may deem appropriate for generally beating the Hell out of anything in front of him. Still wearing a stunned expression, he turned to Mist and said calmly, with an undertone of one who is rather disturbed, "Upon reviewing your case, I have decided that my previous judgment was, in fact, in error, and I hereby rescind it."

"Yay!" Mist cried happily, and ran down the newly created path to inform Rolf of this new development. The rest of the group followed behind her, glancing around make sure that no enemies remained. They found Rolf collapsed on top of a throne, which had sprung from the ground suddenly at the beginning of the battle. As they approached, he opened his eyes, blinking lazily.

"Ugh…" he said slowly, then, "Hey… what happened to my shirt? Mist?" He sat up, glancing around in the direction of the group. The young cleric's face flushed bright red at this and the stares that were quickly sent in her direction by her companions. "Oh… no I didn't mean to say 'Mist…'" Rolf amended, still speaking somewhat sleepily. "I meant to say… um…" he paused, trying to think of another work that would fit, and settled for the first he came upon in his lethargic sate "'Rhys…'"

At once, the group's glares abandoned Mist and found the robed healer, a mix of disgust and… no, pretty much just disgust.

"Hey, guys," he said, holding up his hands in a gesture of innocence. "I have no idea what he's talking about. Priest is just the name of the class, okay?"

"Mist…" began Ike slowly. "Is there something you'd like to-"

"No," the rose-colored cleric interrupted quickly.

"I really think you should ex-" Ike began, but before he could finish, Mist dashed to the throne, grabbed Rolf, who was now standing, by the arm, and had darted back past him. The high physical improbability of this statement is irrelevant, as well as an illusion developed by the human mind to quantify that which… never mind, I'll just stick with saying "it doesn't matter that she probably couldn't actually do that."

"I'm gonna go get Rolf a new shirt back at the castle okay? Bye." Mist said quickly enough that the previous sentence should probably lack spaces, but that makes it really hard to read, as the two ran past.

"Mist!" Ike shouted angrily, and prepared to give chase.

"Ah, young love…" Boyd interjected, throwing an arm around Ike's shoulder before the blue-haired commander could take off in pursuit of his sister.

"Please… don't say that…" Ike said to the axe-wielder. "Now, if you'll excuse me…" Ike removed the other man's arm from his shoulder, "I have a sister to put somewhere totally inaccessible."

"Aw… but come on, Ike, they're so cliché together!" Boyd protested.

"You're not helping!" Ike shouted at him.

"Aw… come on, Ike, surely you don't think _all_ cliché's are bad…" said a feminine voice from behind him, as Lethe walked up to the blue-haired mercenary, stroking his face with her fingers as she approached.

Ike concentrated for a moment, trying to recall how exactly he was supposed to blush. Failing in that respect, he settled for stammering, "Uh… well… I suppose they're not all… Wait!" he cried as a thought suddenly occurred. "What are you doing here? And _you _Rhys! You're supposed to be defending the castle! What happened?"

"Well… do you want the long version or the short version?" Rhys inquired, as Lethe pressed herself against Ike in a fashion that would probably spawn far more cat-themed jokes than are necessary in the world if I were to describe it. "The short version is… Castle Crimea's on fire. The long version is… they snuck past our defenses, promptly kicked our collective asses, and now Castle Crimea's on fire."

"What?" cried Ike in shock. "NO! I left Ragnell in there! And… Princess Elincia's in there! And I left Ragnell in there!"

"Wait, you didn't bring the all-mighty kickass sword with you?" asked Zihark before anyone else could steal his chance at actually being mentioned in this chapter.

"Well… I thought it would make me cool if I refused to use an unfair advantage in combat…" Ike said. "Hey, it worked for King Arthur!" he shouted in response to the various stares he was receiving from his compatriots. "And I sorta need that armor on… and the shirt, too…" he added to Lethe, who was systematically undoing the various buckles and other such fastenings of Ike's trademark shirt (well the buckles are technically on the guard thing and the belt, but same difference, really).

"It's fine, we're all okay," Titania said, riding up to the group. "Princess Elincia fainted," she indicated the slender form of the princess slumped over the horse behind her, "but is otherwise unharmed. We're all going to regroup outside the outer wall of the castle.

"Well that's… good to hear…" Ike said, a note of sadness in his voice. "Say, wait a minute, how could they breach our defenses so easily? Didn't you guys put Lethe or someone with good senses on guard duty?"

"Um… that would be my fault," Lethe said. "See… it went sort of like this…" The cat girl pointed to a conveniently placed flashback that hovered several feet off the ground before the group.

"All right, men," a swordmaster addressed a small crew of thieves, myrmidons, and an assassin or two (always hard to tell exactly who is an assassin and who's an assassin in disguise, and who's disguised as an assassin). "Our mission is to infiltrate the castle, and open the various gates to allow our main forces through."

"But sir," interjected one of the myrmidons, "they have a Laguz guarding the entrance. There's no way we can sneak up on a Laguz."

"A valid point, my fellow warrior," the swordmaster replied. "However, since our intelligence indicated the presence of Laguz, I have a plan in place." He withdrew a small red sphere from a pouch on his belt, and threw it towards the orange-haired Laguz.

"You… missed…" the myrmidon who had first spoken up said, pointing to where the sphere fell a few feet sort of where Lethe was standing.

"No I didn't," replied the group's leader with a smile. "Watch."

To Lethe the scent of blood and sweat were easily detectable, despite her distance from the actual fighting. With so many Beorc around, and many of them hostile, she couldn't rely on her sense of smell to identify enemies, so as she stood at attention by one of the back entrances to the palace, she strained both ears and eyes for any sign of nearby motion. As it was, her attention snapped instantly to the small red sphere that came hurtling through the air from the cover of the trees a short distance off, watching its graceful arc into the ground just before her. "It couldn't be… a ball of… yarn?" she thought.

"Yarn!" cried Ike. "You let the enemies into the castle because you were distracted by a ball of yarn?"

"I have a weakness for balls of yarn, okay?" Lethe replied defensively. "Among other things…" she winked at Ike. For reasons we shall leave up to the mind of the reader, Ike ceased that line of questioning, and instead chose to head towards the rendezvous point. It is worth noting that at this point, the large majority of bondage fic writers who read this fanfic temporarily disappeared.

A short while later, the group assembled just outside of the castle's outer wall. They laid Elincia on one of the bedrolls that people always seem to have on them in RPGs, and were about to discuss what their next course of action should be, when the princess began to stir, somewhat diminishing the point of getting out the bedroll.

"Princess Elincia, are you okay?" asked Titania in a concerned tone.

"Yeah, I'm fine…" Elincia said sleepily as she sat up. Her eyes went wide as she caught sight of the castle looming above them, flames and smoke pouring out its numerous windows. "NOOOOOOO!" she shrieked. For those who have trouble imagining Elincia shrieking, you are not alone. I don't have anything helpful to say to you in regards to it, but you are not alone. "Castle Crimea's burning! AGAIN! BAPISTAN! BERTUCCIO! I've failed you! AGAIN!"

"Isn't his name Bastian?" Soren asked.

"Oh, what's the difference? Besides roughly 150-years in when they were created… and personality… and one's a manservant and one's a sage…" Ike trailed off, realizing he was making his point less valid with each word, if not each syllable.

"GEOFFREY! BASTIAN! LUCIA! I've failed you!" Elincia shouted over their conversation, tears rolling down her face.

"Um… we're right here, actually," Bastian said from behind where Elincia had collapsed to her knees, after first rising to her feet and taking a few stunned steps towards the castle, which were considered irrelevant at the time.

"Oh…" said Elincia, now feeling rather silly. "Well, then… um… I guess I already screamed about Castle Crimea burning… uh… I'm done."

"Right, well, we've talked it over," Lucia said to her ward, "And we think it necessary to take your flying horse and cool magic sword that only you can use despite the fact that about anyone else could make better use of it and hide them again. So… we'll see you around, bye." With a wave, she and Bastian leapt onto the back of Geoffrey's horse, leading a rather confused-looking Pegasus behind them.

"Figures…" Elincia muttered. "You just can't get good help these days."

"Right, well, we must now turn our attention to the problem at hand," Ike said. "That being, that Ragnell is in that building, and damned if I'm going back to fighting with some pansy iron sword just because my cool sword is stuck in a burning castle that could collapse at any moment."

"Wait… stone doesn't burn…" Soren said. "So how is the castle on fire?"

"I TOLD you using oil-based paint on the walls was a bad idea!" Mia shouted at the others.

"Well, fine," replied Boyd hotly, "next time why don't you try to stop us if you think it's such a bad idea!"

"I DID try to stop you!" the swordmaster replied. "You locked me in a closet!"

"Oh, right… I remember now Good times, good times," Boyd said with a chuckle.

"Not for me!" answered Mia.

"People, focus! That castle isn't going to hold much longer and we need a plan if I'm going to retrieve my kickass sword!" Ike yelled at the others. As if on cue, the castle suddenly caved inward, collapsing into rubble and sending up huge clouds of dust and smoke. "NOOOO! RAGNELL! I'VE FAILED YOOOOUUU!" Ike screamed.

"Right, well, horrible as it is that Ike can no longer show up _everyone_," began Soren, "shouldn't we be focusing on who was attacking us in the first place, and why?"

"Oh, that's easy. It was the reconstituted Daein army," answered Zihark.

"What? Didn't we kick Daein's ass and have Begnion install someone trustworthy as the overseer?" Ike asked in surprise.

"Yeah…" Zihark started, "but then…" he paused for a moment, "they held… elections…"

"Elections!" cried Ike in dismay.

"It's true…" answered Zihark. "I saw the polling places with my own eyes. Saw the mass lines of people all waiting to vote for their chosen candidate. Saw the horror as those who fell behind were trampled by the crowd in the press to cast a ballot. I saw… what I saw that day will haunt me for the rest-"

"Yeah, that's nice," interrupted Ike. "So, lemme get this straight, Daein, who we just totally kicked the ass of, sorted out their new system of government and elected new leaders in a year, after the balance of power was totally usurped, and then, when they held elections, they all voted for ANOTHER evil, crazy, super-powerful king who wants to engulf the nation in war?"

"Oh, no, they didn't elect him. He just came in and assassinated everyone else in power, then seized it for himself," answered Zihark.

"Then why mention the elections?" demanded the commander.

"It was dramatic," Zihark replied simply.

Several loud groans later, a voice with no visible speaker asked "Um… excuse me, is this the former Crimea Liberation Army, now just the… Crimean Army or something?"

"That would be us," answered Ike. "What do you want? And… where are you? And who are you?"

"I am known by many names. Sometimes I am called 'Hey you!' and sometimes, I have been called 'Aaaaaaahhhhh!' But among those who wish to refer to me by a name that is unique, I am known as… the Green Knight!" With these words an imposing figure clad from head to foot in heavy green armor appeared from nowhere before the group.

"The green knight? Unique?" Ike asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Dost thou have a problem, knave?" the Green Knight questioned by way of reply.

"Yes!" answered Ike. "Have you _heard _of originality?"

"Oh, shut up, you! It was an old nickname from high school, okay? And it just stuck, so get off my back!" he shouted in response. Muffled snickers could be heard throughout the group at this. "Oh, laugh all you want. I know I'm a worthwhile person, and that's all that matters." To this, the response of the mercenaries was to burst out in laughter. "Well… we'll just see who laughs last!" cried the Green Knight. "For, while you were all busy being distracted, I kidnapped several vital members of your team!"

The mercenaries all glanced around at each other for a minute. "Um… I'm pretty sure we're all here…" Ike replied to the knight.

"You are not! I kidnapped Mordecai, Janaff, Ulki, and Brom!" shouted the Green Knight.

"Oh, yeah…" came the group's general response.

"Hah hah!" the Green Knight laughed. "So who's laughing now?"

"Not the readers, that's for sure…" muttered Zihark under his breath.

After another bout of laughter, Ike spoke up again "So you were… threatening us or something, right?"

"Yes! I've kidnapped four of your most trusted companions! And I won't release them unless you do as I say!" the Green Knight bellowed at the mercenaries.

"Show of hands," Ike said, addressing the mercenaries, "who cares about the fat man, the bird brothers, or Captain Incoherent?" Rolf tentatively raised his hand, then, glancing around and seeing that no one else had, slowly put it down.

"Augh! I hadn't counted on such selfish indifference!" cried the Green Knight in anguish. "Well… I've also got your sword!" he cried triumphantly, pointing at Ike.

"You fiend!" shouted Ike.

"You dastard!" cried Rolf.

"You green giant!" bellowed Soren. After a short pause during which everyone made sure that they had heard the same thing, they turned as one to stare at the mage.

"Soren…" began Ike, "stop trying to be funny. You're bad at it."

"I know…" replied Soren sadly.

"So now, foolish boy, I will slay you with your own sword!" cried the Green Knight, pulling a yellow blade from his pocket dimension. "Now, feel my power!" he shouted, swinging the sword at Ike, only to have it drop out of his hand and stick firmly into the ground. "What?" he cried in confusion.

"Dude, didn't you even look at the thing first? It says only I can wield it…" Ike explained.

"Well… fine… I'll just keep it, then!" shouted the Green Knight back. He then made an odd sound that can best be described with the word 'bleh.'

"Did you just… stick your tongue out at us… inside your helmet?" asked Ike.

"Yes! I did! So there!" and with that, the Green Knight plucked Ragnell out of the ground, and vanished as mysteriously as he appeared.

Soren made a small mark on a piece of paper that was attached to the clipboard he was holding. "Right, meet Green Knight, he runs off with Ragnell, do joke involving not being able to see an insult due to mask. Well, that's everything that we had to do in this chapter to get to the point the author wanted. What do you guys want to do now?"

Each member of the group stared at the others for a moment, then in unison they cried "Dance Dance Revolution!" Soren quickly pulled the game, which he had invented during the time they were trying to wait the enemy out, and the party began. For the record, Soren's list of activities to do when stuck somewhere indefinitely went something like this Study- Brood- Attempt to engage Boyd in conversation- Learn Chinese- Invent a video game for a system that won't exist for several hundred years, or wouldn't if this was Earth- Invent said system- Play chess against Ike.

"Yes, yes, enjoy your game of Dance Dance Revolution, Greil Mercenaries," a dark figure shrouded in some convenient shadows said as he watched them through a device best described as a wide-screen, high resolution crystal ball. "For come tomorrow, this world will bow to… Dranhsa!"

"Wow, and we thought 'The Green Knight' was unoriginal…" commented a nearby soldier, who was uncloaked in shadow to allow us a better view of his prompt decapitation by his commander.

"You just can't find quality minions these days…" the man sighed, before returning to his crystal ball.

((Cue the episode preview bit of "You Won't see me Coming"))

The Greil Mercenaries' quest has just begun. It promises adventure, excitement, horrible OOCness, and shameless parodies. Just when you think we've hit rock bottom, we break out the drill and start digging! Jikai, This Path of Radiance seems Awfully Familiar, Act 4: And then, there were… like… 10, maybe 15 of them.

Soren: Do I really have to say this?

Deep booming disembodied voice of the Author: Yes. Yes you do.

Soren: ((Sigh)) Matte, scashite kibo sayu.

And now it's Ending Note time! Just some ditching of responsibility, among other things.

The ending here, it may not surprise you to know, is a parody of the ending of Gankutsuou. Until I run out of anime series I'm familiar with, yes, this will probably be a running gag.

Matte, scashite kibo sayu: _I honestly have no idea how this should be spelled, so I used my limited knowledge of how Japanese words are spelled in Romanji compared to how they're pronounced, and gave it a shot. This translates as something like "Wait, and hope," a famous line from the original Count of Monte Cristo that was incorporated into the anime's episode previews at the end. The American release people decided to apparently ignore the reference to the original work and translated it as, "Bide your time and hold out hope," possibly just because there was such a big difference in the number of syllables. Anyway, if anyone knows how this should look, cause I'm pretty sure I must have messed something up, I'd appreciate the info._

The Priest Joke: _I'm really hoping to not get my head bit off here… Obviously this could easily offend a lot of people, but I'm sorta hoping at this point that people who aren't able to laugh at themselves as well as others gave up on this fanfiction, because I've probably said something offensive to a whole bunch of different groups by this point. After all, he who cannot laugh at himself has no business laughing at others… or something like that. Yeah, Confucius, I'm not. Moving on._

Dranhsa: This is _Ashnard backwards for those who missed it, and thusly didn't get the "That's even more unoriginal than 'The Green Knight,'" joke. The Green Knight being unoriginal shouldn't require explanation to anyone who's played Path of Radiance. In case anyone hasn't, one of the main villains of the game, who sadly remains an enigma throughout the entire game, in either a move to create a sequel/prequel, or just plain laziness on the writer's part, is a giant armored figure called the Black Knight because of his black armor. He's basically invulnerable to anything except certain weapons, blessed by the Goddess, because of said armor, and also somehow or other has the power to teleport at will._

"You Green Giant!": _Uh… the Green Giant is probably the name for more than one thing, but this was a really bad pun off of the Green Giant who was the mascot for a company that sold peas or some such thing…_

The title of this chapter: _One of the chapters of the book The Count of Monte Cristo is "The Mad and Furious Prisoner," hence the parody in this chapter's title, and the comment about English making things confusing, because "Mad" is here meant to be taken as "crazy" but can also mean "angry" which is what "furious" is being used to describe, which makes the title really redundant if you interpret it that way._

To anyone who didn't realize that Rolf was mimicking the Hulk when he transformed: _You need to read more comics… or like… take part in life in general and society in particular._


End file.
